The HORRORS and HOPE of Dating

"I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

Baby, I just need one good one to stay"

Amen, Lady Gaga. 

Men, Lady Gaga. 

Man, do I pray, Lady Gaga, for men. 

I just need one good one to stay.

Halloween took on new meaning for me this season, as I have seen all the monsters of men. 

It started with ghosting. Why do men disappear? Before you even meet?? Or after you have experienced something wonderful?? Is that satisfying? To leave a girl wandering in the dark, eyes wide open, trying to take in any shred of light in her hopeful anxiety? 

I realize ’tis the season for “ghosts,” but these are the worst kind of haunts. They aren’t real enough to justify deep heartache, so turn off any pending tears. 

We jump at the skeletons in our closets. Our weaknesses are brought into full view as our insecurities rattle and quake with each attempt to be vulnerable with someone new. Perhaps it would be easier if we were just a collection of bones: No heart to ache. 

Therefore, we all dress up, pretending to be what we ain’t, disguising who we really are. It is safer this way, and maybe you can choose the costume to win the man you think you want… 

Meanwhile, more monsters are born as we desperately attempt to make or find the perfect man. Hello, Frankenstein. Oh, you’re here too, Bride of Frankenstein?

We knock on doors, go on dates, send texts, and swipe right, all the while saying TRICK OR TREAT, as we hold our hearts out to perfect strangers to fill them with whatever they choose to give. As it turns out, it’s mostly tricks, with a  few treats to sustain your efforts to endure in faith. 

So we walk around in the brisk night air, desperately aware of how alone we are. We wander through a cemetery of our dead attempts to love, and fear presses down on our tender hearts, constricting any capacity for hope. 

Anyone watching, might say we look like zombies, groaning and moaning for what could have been and what may never be.

But all is not lost. 

Welcome Dia de los Muertos. 

A day to celebrate the dead. Those gone from the earth, or just gone from our own world. To rejoice in our loved ones, and recognize the life we live now because of our time with them. We look beyond the pain, and find cause to smile. We do not regret loving deeply, just because we no longer can hold them in our arms! We laugh and cry in gratitude for the gift to love and be loved. 

Halloween is over. Wave goodbye to those who ghost. Shed your zombie make-up, and torn dresses. Leave Frankenstein to the doctor, and trust that good ones are still out there. Embrace your skeletons, as you calm your insecurities, and find strength in vulnerability! Shake, rattle and roll!  

And when the night is cold, and the cemetery is eerie, look up! You may see a full moon. There is great opportunity for magic when the moon casts all the light it has on the world. 

So smile, and throw rose petals and sunflower seeds on the graves of those who are now gone, and surely you will see hope bloom for the love that is yet to come and yet to be given. For now we embark on the season of giving, and JOY TO THE WORLD, the best is yet to come. 

2013.

Happy new year.
I am grateful for a celebration of transformation.
This holiday inspires hope.
Hope for a better world, made by better individuals.
It is not the perfection of reaching our goals, but the journey of reaching for them that will shape our characters and move us closer to our potential.
"reach for the moon...even if you miss, you will land among the stars."
I am ready to become...to become the Kristen Leigh Metzger I know my Father in Heaven sees.

I am grateful for friends in my life who push me to make every day a new beginning. Even if they are Canadian. :)

"happy new year!" shall become a mentality. An attitude. A mantra for the day to day. The fruits of such a plan: spontaneity, laughter, new friends, constant and consistent goal setting, explosions of well-wishes to all around you, good food, and sparkling fruit juices of all varieties. And midnight kisses...as often as possible, of course.

Feel free to join me on my year of "happy new years." it will be a party to remember. A journey to write home about, often. An adventure that even Frodo would wonder at and feel honored to be a part of. A year of unknowns that will become discoveries and surprise lessons.

How many fortune cookies would it take to learn what this year truly holds?

How do we know what potential can be found within a certain span of time?
We dream. We desire. We pray for a vision of what we can accomplish. We dream bigger. We ask "what if?!" and then make a plan to turn it into "remember when?!"

I am ready to see miracles. To encourage miracles. To be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to bring about miracles.

2013. I will give my all. I will love deeper than ever before. I will dig deeper. I will dream bigger and fight harder and more specifically for those dreams. I will be patient. I will trust. I will expect the unexpected and know it will be what I need. I will see the world through the wide eyes of a child, and sustain the vision with the plans of an adult.

Bombs away!!

Nauvoo.

Truth confirmed: I don't do well with down time. Ok, let's clarify: I do well with designated down time. But when I know I should and can be productive, I must be productive. However, there are times when I don't know HOW to be productive, or HOW to fulfill my potential in that new role or situation in my life. Then what? I act. Right? Just jump into the pool...it's never fun to just dip your toe in...just go.

How do you let go when you don't know what else to grab onto?
Interesting...I learned this lesson when I went rock climbing for the first time in Little Cottonwood Canyon. There was a very distinct moment in my first climb when I saw two paths before me: let go and fall with grace to the base of the cliff, or let go and reach higher for something I couldn't see...yet. TRUST that something would be there...What is the worst thing that could happen? There isn't anything to hold onto, and I fall with grace AND honor for having tried. Either way I would have to let go...so I did. I let go and leaped with faith up the wall...and I landed with renewed confidence as my hands found grips and my legs found stability. The rest of the cliff seemed easier in comparison to that moment. So tomorrow, am I going to let go and fall? Or let go and climb higher? Bring on the mountains.

wear goggles.

this is my new travel scheme. whenever the going gets tough, our American status betrays us, or just for a good laugh, i will pull my ski goggles down over my eyes, flash the peace sign, and plead a vow of silence. I tried it tonight...pretty effective.

I leave for Europe in 5 days.

What?

Planning this trip is hard. And I am not even doing the hard work. Thank goodness for Shanti, my stage manager of this trip, the financial advisor, and the realist.

I am the optimist, the director, and the designated dreamer. We are a good travel match.

Truth confirmed is truth fought for.

Last night I bought a ticket from London to Venice. This implies that I will already be in London. Let this truth be confirmed. However, truth is never confirmed easily. In fact, it is often confirmed through flames of refining fire. I found myself fighting today, for the simple things. A good friend reminded me: "Isn't that what makes it worth it?" Don't I want a man one day to fight for me? To run after me? Don't I want to fight for him? For us? Yes. Yes, please.

I had to renew my license. I was told I need to take the written test again. I just so happened to have chosen the only office in Utah that doesn't allow you to take the test. I drove to the next office, illegally, mind you, since the first office couldn't renew my expired license. Who knew that licenses expired? Hmmm... Then they told me that even after 3 different employees approved my documentation, it turns out they were wrong. So I will be visiting the 3rd utah driver's office on Friday. Whoohoo. Party time. Highlight? Icing my knee while I wait to take my test. I passed.

One week ago, I wasn't snowboarding. No, I was walking down my stairs, when catastrophe ensued. I fell down the stairs. My brilliant leg tried to regain composure en route amidst the speedy descent. This resulted in a twisted and severely jammed knee. I am icing it as we speak. I could barely walk. I couldn't drive my car for a few days. Clutch? No extension or strength would be produced by this leg for a while. "How will you get around Europe?" we all asked. Well, I am going. you can't stop me..........I will hobble down every cobblestone road in every village, to not miss a crepe, a margherita pizza, or beautiful European man. Just you wait......

I woke up this morning....sick. Back off.....no cold will keep me from my Parisian pursuit...my British bon voyage....my Italian interests, my Israeli insights, my Welsh wonders, my scottish shooting stars, nor my Gretian goals.

But I did find my long lost glasses.

And I went to dinner after a long day at work with a dear friend. We supported and encouraged one another's dreams. We remembered where we were two years ago: at the same restaurant (cafe rio) having a similar discussion. We have grown since. We have embarked on adventures. We have lived. And we will continue to do so. Why is that we both feel alone so often? I remember meeting a woman on my mission who told me that life living the Gospel of Jesus Christ is often lonely. Will that stop me? Hell, no. I believe that was appropriate to say...I literally wanted that "no" directed at hell. :)

And then I felt prompted to stop by the grocery store. I did. I found my natural cough drops. Riccola!!!! And quirky earthy baking cups for my best friend for Christmas. Then I found my reason for the late night trip: reunion with a dear friend, John Stuzzenager. It was sooo good to see him. And to hear how his stellar wife is doing. They have had a rough year...and yet, so much faith and strength have they radiated and sustained through it all. They inspire me. Thank you for this visit...

There is always a happy ending. Well, perhaps not an ending, but a happy "dot, dot, dot..." yes. My "happily . . . " The ever after will be added later.

Friends

New Friends: Kagen. Francis' new friend. :) He has been skydiving in scuba gear. yes please.
Truth confirmed: Service often takes place in the form of TIME. Time with dear friends.

Last night my dear friend, Jess took me to a house concert for Mindy Gledhill. I realized I still have unwritten music within the acoustic chambers of my heart. There are so many ways to express ourselves...I need to encourage the melodic urges to fly! Desires need to be nurtured...let the notes ring out, wild bells.

On the way home, I exited on 6200 to see my friend...no text response, so I grabbed a card from my purse (I try to make it a habit to carry notecards with me so I can always write a classy quick thank you note or "i'm thinking of you" note.) and wrote a quick note. I didn't know which was her car, so I walked up to the door, yes, at 11:31 pm. To me, the night was young...however, I didn't want to impose that perspective on my unassuming friend or her roommates. I heard voices, so I knocked. And lo and behold, BRITTANY answered. HOORAY. I ended up sleeping over, and we awoke to magic. Snow falling gently in the frosty air. She kept thanking me for sleeping over..really, it was MY pleasure! It is becoming tradition that when I sleepover I wear the "celtic women" concert night t-shirt. I love spontaneous rendezvous' and sleepovers.

Then after work, I went to dinner with two dear friends from work. My first experience at Nicolita's pizza on university parkway. Mmmm. Yes, thank you. Such uplifting conversation..

Now off to my summer Nauvoo pageant roommate's bridal shower. It was in draper, and she couldn't thank us enough for coming and making the effort. I love spending time with sweet friends. I am blessed with friends who are dreamers...doers...lovers...(in this case, "lovers"=charity, and the Lover of God"...;)
....So, here we go...

Sponge for Goodness

Today. I was a sponge for goodness...I wanted to soak it all in from those around me...i wanted to listen...to learn...to feel...The Lord rerouted my day from the beginning...

TRUTH CONFIRMED: there are always people ready to help.

I woke up, remembering that I had to work for 1 hour at 7:50 am, however, without enough time to walk there, and no car. Texts went out..and a dear coworker volunteered to be there for me. I was able to sleep a little longer...and then be prepared with enough time for my 50 minute walk to the Missionary Training center for our meeting. It was a crisp fall day...golden leaves crunched beneath my worn boots. Aaaaaah, I wasn't even bothered by my heavy Mary Poppins bag weighing my right shoulder down. Invigorating.

TRUTH CONFIRMED: Not everyone knows what you know, even if they pretend do. They just don't get it...

I work at the MTC. I spoke with a missionary for at least 1/2 an hour. It started with: "Well, I don't want to change." It ended with: "Well, I don't want to change." It included statements like: "I don't want to be happy."

"I'm don't want to read the Book of Mormon because then I will want to change and I don't want to want to change." (interesting...he admits he has a testimony of the Book of Mormon...)

"I'm here for the wrong reasons, but I won't go home..I can't."

"I want to make a difference, but I would rather not make a difference than FEEL like a didn't make a difference."

"I don't need hope. Assume the worst in life, and just go step by step, and then you won't be disappointed."

"I know my potential is great...but I don't ever want to reach it."

Ok...what is he really afraid of? Failure? As I write this, in what areas of my life am I afraid of failure? I told him: "You are missing out...you need to let go...let the Lord in...you have to have real intent to act on what he gives you..."

Am I missing out? Do I blame the world for my disappointments, or IS there really action I can take...really doors I can open...or maybe I was only looking for doors, when there are windows open, beckoning for someone to look out and climb through (I never was the traditional type!)...or even bookcases that lead to secret passageways. Keep looking Kristen...let the Lord in...yes even in those areas...(men... :) Let the search begin...keep your eyes peeled.

(Interesting...my first reaction to this conversation when I was in it, was: "how sad. he doesn't get it...my heart aches for him to understand, to have hope, to change, to come closer to the Savior, to have JOY...". And while I still feel that, writing here, for you, has helped me to expand this experience to me, as you see just above. I am grateful for the reminder to trust, to change, to let go, to seek, to let my testimony of truth motivate how I live, in the big things, and the everyday moments. Thank you, for listening, so that I could in turn listen to what I am learning.)

BONUS TRUTH CONFIRMED: Dig deeper in your experiences...there is more to learn than the surface reactions and obvious "morals to the story."